


Like Riding A Bicycle

by Jeaven



Series: Existential Crisis [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2012 Phan, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Existential Crisis, Hurt Phil, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Making Up, Mild Sexual Content, hurt Dan, like really mild, the video, well at least references to it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-05
Updated: 2017-01-05
Packaged: 2018-09-15 00:54:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9212384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeaven/pseuds/Jeaven
Summary: Taking care of Dan used to to be like a second nature to Phil. But in 2012, when things aren't as perfect between them as they used to be, it's almost impossible for Phil to get through to his boyfriend.





	

**Like Riding A Bicycle**

 

* * *

 

 

Once upon a time, Dan's existential crisis used to scare Phil, because he didn't know how to help Dan.

As the years progressed, he learned what he needed to do in those situations. It became almost a second nature to him to care for Dan when he was upset.

But now, as he listened to Dan pacing, he didn't know what to do. It was clear to him that Dan was having some sort of crisis, as it was common for him to either lay in the floor or walk up and down in his room.

It was 4 am.

Phil was wide awake.

Mostly because it tore him apart to know Dan was hurting while he couldn't do anything about it.

At least, he wasn't sure if he could do anything about it. Ever since that horrible glitch had happened, Dan had distanced himself from Phil to the point where the older even began to doubt their relationship. He had tried to mend the rift between them, but that had only resulted in even more shouting.

And that was why he was sitting only a few meters away from Dan in his room, knowing he was miserable and unable to help him.

Phil wanted nothing more than to go into Dan's room, but he couldn't. But his love for Dan wouldn't let him sleep either - not while Dan was miserable like that - and so he laid awake for almost the whole night, doing nothing more than listening to Dan's movements.

 

* * *

 

 

In the morning, they both looked equally beat. Phil was the first one in the kitchen and had already eaten his first bowl of cereal when Dan walked in.

"Morning," Dan mumbled grumpily and ripped open the cupboards to fix himself a breakfast. Phil watched him - or rather the dark circles under his eyes - worriedly.

"How did you sleep?" Phil asked him.

"Fine," Dan mumbled instantly, which sounded so rehearsed it made Phil want to throw up. "You?"

"Fine," Phil answered even though it was the last thing he wanted to say. "I think we're out of Lucky Charms."

"Oh," Dan's voice was stoic. "I'll just find something else, then."

If Phil hadn't known that something was wrong before, he definitely did now. And he quite frankly couldn't watch that anymore. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Dan snapped.

Phil sighed and stared uncomfortably at what was left of his cereal.

He wanted nothing more than to fix their relationship, but Dan just wouldn't let him, insisting that they were fine. Phil was tired of trying and he couldn't take the tension in the room anymore either.

"I'll be in the lounge," he mumbled and left the room without even looking at Dan. He felt horrible, leaving his boyfriend alone when he knew something was wrong, but Dan didn't really give him another choice.

 

* * *

 

 

They ended up watching anime together, which was at the same time so familiar and so painful because of the tension between them that it literally felt more like torture. Being so close to Dan and although not broken up still not able to touch him like he used to hurt Phil more than he liked to admit. After about half an hour, he couldn't take it anymore and left the room with a hasty excuse and went back into his room.

Needing to distract himself, he started to edit a video.

Which went well until Dan left the lounge as well and Phil heard his steps go into his room. Not much later Phil heard the silent, muffled noises of crying throughout the the thin walls.

He bit his lip and hesitated. A second later, his pent-up worry won and he went to Dan's room.

"Dan?" he shouted carefully and knocked. "You okay in there?"

The sniffling quieted for a second. "I'm fine."

Phil sighed. "Dan, I can hear that you're not."

"Go away."

Phil closed his eyes. He could practically hear the pain in Dan's voice and that was what pushed him to open the door anyway.

Dan was curled up in a ball on his bed, clutching to a pillow and tears streaming down his face.

" 'm not in the mood," he mumbled hoarsely.

"Dan..." Phil searched for the right words, but what once used to be so easy was now almost impossible. "We're still boyfriends, right? So..."

Dan's head snapped up. "So _what_ , Phil? What do you want?"

Phil flinched. "To help you."

"Well, too bad. Because you can't."

They stared at each other in silence.

Phil backed up a bit. "Let me help you," he pleaded.

Dan turned his back to him.

Phil contemplated giving up for a moment, but this was Dan.

He sat down next to his boyfriend and stared down at his thin frame.

"I know you're not well," Phil whispered.

"So?" Dan grumbled.

"You want to talk about it?" Phil asked.

"No."

"Dan, you can't just deal with this alone."

He could basically feel Dan rolling his eyes. "Stop pretending you can fix everything."

Phil swallowed hardly. "I can try."

Dan snorted and sat up. When he looked at Phil, his eyes were full of malice. "Well, didn't work out so great last time, huh?"

Phil felt as if he'd been slapped. He couldn't even think of response, only stared at Dan.

Dan's eyes widened and Phil could see the regret in his eyes the moment the words left his mouth. "P- Phil," he stuttered. "I'm-"

"Completely right," Phil finished bitterly. "I know what happened is my fault and I'm shit at helping you, too."

Without even looking at his boyfriend once more, he stood up and fled out of the room. He'd almost reached the hallway when he heard a tiny protest behind him.

"Phil, wait."

He stopped, but didn't turn around.

"It's not your fault."

Phil snorted. "It is."

He heard rushing, and then tentative steps towards him. "I'm sorry."

Something in Phil froze and he turned to face Dan, whose cheeks were wet from silent tears. "I didn't mean it, Phil I just-" He broke off, then slowly raised his head to look Phil in the eyes. "I'm scared."

Phil's will immediately melted at his expression. "What are you scared of, bear?" he asked softly.

"Everything." He hesitated. "Losing you."

"You're not losing me," Phil answered immediately.

Dan huffed. "Of course I am. And it's my fault." His voice broke. "Dammit, I don't want to want to waste the little time we have like this."

Phil sighed and stepped forward to wrap his arms around his best friend, who immediately relaxed into the hug and pressed his head against Phil's shoulder.

"I'm sorry," Dan repeated quietly. "I didn't want to shut you out."

"It's okay," Phil whispered. "But just... talk to me."

"I hate that we're fighting so much," Dan mumbled. "I don't want to spend my life like this."

 _Whole life_ seemed a bit over dramatic, but Phil knew that was Dan's existential crisis talking. He tightened his arms around the body that had gotten alarmingly thin. "We don't have to."

"Apparently we do, 'cause I can't think of anything else than what other people think of me," Dan said maliciously.

Phil frowned. "What do you mean?"

"The subscribers, the whole pressure... it has all gotten too much and I can't be myself anymore. And I've been taking it all out on you." A sob escaped Dan's mouth. "Shit I'm so sorry."

His knees buckled and with a surprised noise from Phil, they fell onto the floor. Dan immediately started crying for good, heart wrenching sobs leaving his mouth.

Phil gently let his fingers tangle in Dan's hair and buried his head against his chest.

"It's okay," he whispered. "We're going to be okay."

Dan didn't answer him. But suddenly, the silence didn't hurt Phil. It was rather comforting, because it was just like it had used to be when Dan had a crisis. And Phil found himself back in his role as if there'd never been a fight. Taking care of Dan was just like riding a bicycle.

They stayed in that exact positions until Dan had stopped sobbing, until Phil had told him everything he needed to head to gather strength again.

And when Dan slowly raised his head to look at Phil, they kissed, at first slow and careful, rebuilding trust that had been gone for so long.

Phil felt the exact moment Dan decided to completely trust him again. He went slack in Phil's arms, let himself be pushed against the carpet and slowly raised his legs for him.

Phil took a moment to marvel at the beautiful sight Dan was like this, tracing his quivering thighs with his fingers. Dan's lips were slightly parted, his eyes closed and his hands held on to Phil's hips like a lifeline.

It was the first time their sex felt like real love in months.

And Phil vowed to himself he would never let that feeling go ever again.


End file.
